"The easiest way to add insult to injury is........'

"The easiest way to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast" Demetri Martin

On the second last jump Sunday Deanna caught her ankle while landing and suffered a hairline fracture of her tibia. There were a few unfair remarks made about women skydivers and landings, exclusively made by women skydivers of course, and even more comments made about landings being complicated by the fact that with an artificially enhanced DD chest not only is your balance compromised but your view of the ground is obscured. When signing the cast I was tempted to write "After consulting with the other judges I have decided to award First Prize to  the woman with the Biggest Tits", but since I was sober I wimped out and went the usual "Get well soon! (And beneath it drew a picture of Kilroy looking over the fence, with great big t*ts!)

My day went better than Deanna's, but that's only because I didn't break any bones. I went low on 2 jumps, which I haven't done for a couple of years, and arrived last on 2 others. If I had been a second or two faster on the second one we'd have completed a very difficult and cool formation. Nobody gave me shit after the landing but I wouldn't have blamed them if they did.

When we were geared up and dirt diving the last jump of the day, at the edge of the landing area there was a special surprise waiting for a young lady coming down to land after her tandem ride. Her boyfriend had landed before her, and all their friends and family were lined up behind a banner reading "Will you Marry Me?" with her boyfriend was in the middle of the landing area on bent knee, holding a  ring. She was so excited by the tandem ride she didn't notice the boyfriend on his knee, or the banner, but she did notice the ring. I was reminded of the video that Derek had shown me a few weeks ago of him proposing to Kat in front of a stadium full of people after a demo jump. And just what the heck are  you going to do if she says "No Thank You?!?!

Day 4:
We met in the hangar at 7:30, the latest start we've had. The first thing everybody did was check the huge poster showing the planned formation with the slot assignments. Everybody was caught off guard by the Formation Fake out that had been tossed at us. The plan on the board wasn't even close to the one that had been on the shirts. Just as well, the one we were going to attempt had 70% of the jumpers looking away from the center, meaning they had no reference to what was happening on the rest of the formation. Usually the plan calls for most of the people to be looking inwards so they can match fall rate etc. Well, the event is called the "Arizona Challenge', not the "Arizona Easy" It may have been planned that way from the beginning but there was a lot of speculation about the plan having been changed to make it easier because of problems we'd had on the earlier jumps. It made little difference to me, I figured the chances of our completing either formation were between Slim and None, and Slim was visiting Alberta. Here's our final plan:

At least I had a fairly simple slot, I was diving out of the lead plane and docking on the base. My slot is labelled B10, just above and to the right of center. Celine was beside me in B12, Remi was beside her in C9, we were the Canadian Compressed. Celine was speculating about whether we'd been given a slot of great responsibility because of our proven skill, or if we'd been given easy slots because we hadn't been doing well. I hadn't made my slot on 4 jumps the day before so I had a pretty good idea which one I thought applied, but kept my thoughts to myself. Beth was second last diver coming out of her plane, and right behind her, docking next to her, was............ Kate Cooper. Beth doesn't scare easy, but when she saw where she was coming from and where she was going to, and who would be following her, she was somewhat, tense. You could wind up with a lot of people looking over your shoulder, but Kate has a well deserved reputation for being particularly direct and merciless in her critiques. Don't get me wrong, she's invariably dead on target, but she doesn't waste any time or effort being diplomatic about it.

There was one good thing about my slot though. Our airplane was a Shorts Skyvan. In a Skyvan due to weight and balance considerations they divide the jumpers into 2 groups. One group is the base, they stand on the tailgate and leave together as a chunk. Their exit count is "Ready, Set, Go!" On "Ready" Mark gives a big head nod, on "Set" the 8 way chunk bends their knees and drops down to gather some energy so that when Mark shouts "Go!", they simply do a little hop, and disappear out the back of the plane. I'm in the second group. We're all behind a line halfway up the plane. That's necessary to keep the weight properly balanced, and keep the plane from stalling.. My group is in 2 files of 5 people each, with me at the front of one line, and Curt (made famous when I draped a well lubricated Sandy Kirkby over his shoulders just before her husband Mark came to fetch her from the bar at the Airspeed Invitational event in February) is beside me at the head of the other line. When Mark nods "Ready!", we tense up, ready to explode into a sprint towards the tail when the other group drops down on "Set!", then sprint in a pack towards the door to fling ourselves out literally on the heels of the first group. I love that slot and rarely get to exit from it.

The plan calls for 5 jumps today, I really really really hope we get this done, I've wanted to see myself in the picture of the completed formation of this event for a decade

One more post to come for this event, I should be finished in a day or so)

The Arizona Challenge

The second day the temp only went to 98 Fahrenheit, which was cooler than the first day by a full 6 degrees. It's the morning of the third day and we've just landed from a very successful 40 way, the temp is only up to about 80 so far but it;s still early. We started at 6:45 to beat some of the heat, and the only saving grace is that 98 only feels like 98, there's zero humidity, so as long as you keep hydrated it's not that bad. The biggest problem so far has been with people getting onto the wrong planes. They always figure it out before they take off which results in them sprinting across the tarmac from one loading are to the other in full gear and the blazing sun, spurred on by helpful suggestions from their friends.

On one jump the girls who were docking on me beat me to the formation and took grips on the girl I was supposed to dock on. She was wearing a similar suit and helmet so it was easy for them to make the mistake. I stopped beside them, and reached up to tap one of them on the shoulder to motion them out of my way. The look on her face when she turned her head and saw my face was was priceless! Then when she backed up and the other girl could see me was just as shocked. It was the most fun I has all day.

Most of the people have been displaying the skill and discipline that earned them an invitation to the event, but once in a while, somebody gets a little excited, and that's when the the real fun starts. One guy only had 5 or 6 feet to cover to get to his slot but went into a full out track to get get there (A track is the body shape you use to "cover tracks"). he took off like a bullet and immediately had to work just as hard to stop himself, coming to a halt 10 feet past his slot, so he promptly turned around and repeated the process, winding up even further away. Another guy was working so hard to stop after he dove in that he wound up standing upright on his booties like a begging dog. It didn't work, he still went crashing through the formation like a bowling ball. We watched both mistakes over and over in the debriefs, the wise cracks, insults, and digs increasing in volume and quantity every time.

On our last jump of the second day I landed out in the desert with half a dozen other people and as soon as they were down the rest of them began shouting and pointing to the south. i turned to see an enormous dust devil a hundred feet across reaching a couple thousand feet into the air. the huge column of swirling air was clearly visible because of all the dust it had sucked up, but I had flown right past it without noticing. If I had even come close it would have sucked me in, collapsed my canopy, and the day would not have ended well. It's already been a bad weekend for skydivers, the King Air crashed in Gananoque, there were no serious injuries, a guy died after a low cutaway in Deland, one died in a CRW wrap in Elsinore, and another guy was left paralyzed after he was rendered unconscious by a hard opening and then crashed into the windshield of a car when he got to Earth.

On jump number 3 today I moved quickly during the dirt dive to secure myself a prime spot for the exit, one of the last divers coming out of the Skyvan. That would have given me a straight shot at my slot with the added bonus of an quick easy exit. But then Josh put me as second last diver coming out of the chase plane which meant I had to wait for the rest of the plane to empty before I could even start moving. by the time I went through the door the formation was just a bunch of tiny little dots far below me. I managed to get to my slot just as we got to break off, but my tardiness will probably go unnoticed during the debrief because the rest of the formation was a god-awful mess, sliding and spinning all over  the sky. We're planning on 2 more today, and then we'll be starting the 88-ways Skydive From Hell tomorrow morning. At the bottom of this page there's a pic of the plan courtesy of Celine. If you find it confusing looking at the picture on a computer screen, imagine how it's going to look to me tomorrow morning while I'm diving down on it like a meat missile.

All the jumps can be viewed within a couple of minutes of our landing at http://www.skydivingphotography.com/

It's good to have friends

Once I had put the finishing touches on my plan for Total World Domination of 4-Way, I turned to more serious matters and finally finished off the registration page I had started a month ago for the Motorcycle Ride For Dad. It's a fund raising motorcycle ride to raise money for Prostate Cancer Research to be held on Saturday June 8th. Part of it included having to write and email out an appeal to all my friends and family asking them to donate. I have given to many causes over many years, but this is the first time ever that I've been the one asking for donations. Part of the reason I had delayed writing it was because I was intimidated by the thought of asking my friends for money. I finally started writing it half an hour ago and the words just flowed out onto the page. One draft, no changes. Here it is.

I’m biding my time, just waiting to get Cancer. Most people who know me have no idea that it runs in my family, that my father and his father before him were both stricken with Prostate Cancer, and that means the odds are I’m going to get it as well. With my grandfather it was caught early, he lived with it for 25 years before he finally died of old age. My father wasn’t so lucky. This year I will be taking part in the Ottawa Motorcycle Ride For Dad to raise money for Prostate Cancer research. I’ve been told by many people who have taken part in previous rides that it’s a lot of fun, being part of a parade of thousands of motorcycles rolling through city and countryside, all the different types of personalities and their machines brought together for a common cause. That’s not why I’m doing it.

I’m doing it for my Dad.

I’m doing it for myself.

I’m doing it for all my friends who will one day find themselves sitting across from a doctor getting the news that……..

Please click the link below and make a pledge to help fund the needed research.

https://eventsonline.ca/events/ridefordad/pledgeprofile.php?id=JME3313333

I mailed it out to half the names in my address book, and in less than a minute there were pledges totaling $400. It's good to have friends.

"It's okay, I caught it all on my T***Ts!"

The first hint of trouble was the sound of a small body retching coming from the living room. The second hint was Mathieu diving across the kitchen to grab a roll of paper towels before he dashed out to where his wife was nursing Xavier, their 4 week old infant. I turned to Philippe and asked "Isn't she sitting on your leather couch?" That's when Kim called out that everything was under control, that she had contained the mess in an inventive manner, and the couch was safe. No doubt Mathieu was thorough, and thoroughly enjoyed, cleaning up her... um... food stations.

In the laid back casual way that comes so easily to Philippe he took another sip of wine, shrugged, raised an eyebrow, and said "Yeah, I'm in no rush to have kids." An understandable sentiment considering the circumstances, but I'm counting on him and Josee to deliver at least one member of the 4-way team I have planned.

 Xavier will be Outside Center, Derek and Kat's baby girl will be flying point, and after Philippe and Josee have made their contribution all I will need is one more to have the next world champion 4-way team in hand and ready to start training. Here's the plan: A 4 way team comprised of 4 infants that learn how to fly in the tunnel before they can walk! This won't be without a number of technical problems such as finding teeny-tiny helmets and wee little RW suits with itsy-bitsy grippers, not to mention the difficulty of communicating with and coaching the little munchkins, but think of the possibilities! They'll be hard wired to fly! They'll clobber everybody in all the tunnel competitions and when they're old enough to actually skydive they'll be unbeatable! Sponsors of every description will be lining up to throw money at them! I'll be the coach, Derek can be in charge of physical training, Kat will be responsible for diet and health, Philippe will take care of dive flow and exits....... I've got it all worked out. Any skydivers who are planning on having any children in the near future are encouraged to apply on their behalf.

But I digress. I'm seated at the bar in my favorite Skydiver Bar, The Bent Prop Saloon in Eloy Arizona. I have an almost empty beer in front of me with another on the way, and this is where I will be spending the next 6 or 7 hours until Beth comes to collect me and we check into our room at the Super 8. We're here for the Arizona Challenge, a high quality invitational skydiving event that has earned a reputation as a particularly difficult and, of course, "Challenging", event. Ten years ago when I was here was the first time I heard of and saw video of the Challenge, and ever since I have been angling to earn one the highly coveted invitations to the event. No matter how high the bar has been set in previous years the organizers still manage to outdo the last Challenge. I checked in with manifest as soon as I arrived to pay my outstanding balance and was presented with my event T-shirt which had the final planned skydive plastered across the back. The plan calls for a bizarre combination of 80 people building compressed accordions in such a complex formation that I know no matter where I'm supposed to be I'm going to get lost on at least half the dives! I studied it for a few moments, and when the girl at the counter informed me that I couldn't have my money back I decided the best course of action was to get just as plastered as the shirt. 

I didn't really want to jump today anyway, during the entire 1 hour drive from Sky Harbor airport there were always at least half a dozen dirt devils in sight moving across the desert, some of them up to a couple hundred feet wide and reaching a couple thousand feet into the air. Columns of air moving unpredictably at high speed in a tight circle don't mix well with parachutes. To cap it off the winds were blowing at a near gale when I arrived and that alone was more than enough to convince me I didn't really need to jump. 

So here I sit at the bar, a couple of feet from the popcorn machine, one ice cold bottle replacing another, and for lack of anything else to do, I'm planning my quest for world domination of the sport of 4-Way Formation Skydiving while I wait for Beth to come rescue me. All I need is one more baby......